Manipulation #5: I’m Not Perfect

Isn’t it funny how the people calling others to repent are the ones who are the quickest to use “I’m not perfect” as their defense to wave off anyone calling them out for their behavior?  Not funny, ha ha-but funny, sad.

My father felt comfortable calling others out for behavior while hiding behind “nobody’s perfect” if he was caught out of bounds on what his religion taught.  This no-win situation has the same feel as gaslighting.  How confusing to a child to see things called out as “sinning” but watch while “sinning” could also be protected by calling out “I’m not perfect”. 

This is a common technique for religious manipulators.  They take whatever they want from their religion, picking and choosing what is most comfortable to them or helpful in wielding their power, but anything uncomfortable they dismiss.

What does this teach a child about God?  It teaches that God is not consistent.  That God’s boundaries are unclear and constantly moving.  That God is harsh to some but lenient towards others.  They learn that they cannot trust God.

But what if you grow up and learn for yourself that what your parents modeled for you is not how God is?

I remember trying to speak up for my brothers who had left religion behind and tell my father I believed in a loving kind God who would be happy to talk to them in the afterlife on how their life worked out and what they learned from it.  But my dad insisted God was going to make us suffer and pay for our mistakes.  Not only did he condemn them for their choices, he expected God to make them pay for disobeying. 

Now I wonder if he meant disobeying God or disobeying him?  I now believe it’s the later.  As an adult I can see how my father’s love was conditional. And he frequently used the tactic of hiding what he wanted under the guise of “this is what God wants”.  In a religion that actually teaches that you are here on earth to learn and that Christ came and literally died for you so you could have a way back to God because he loves you that much, being taught that God is watching for you to fail and will make you suffer if you do, just doesn’t even match up.  But I can list example after example of how my earthly father treated his children just that conditionally.  Displease him, and just watch the passive aggressive moves he would make against you and everyone around him.

What I wish I could tell my younger self:

People often learn to learn the wordage of religion only as far as to use it to their own advantage.  They did this even in the scripture time.  In the New Testament the Pharisees were called out for doing this. Jesus Christ had to deal with this kind of religious people too.

Here are some reasons that people lack the ability to be accountable for their own actions and use religious manipulation:

They lack self-awareness and cannot see the consequences of their behavior.

They are afraid of the consequences of their actions.

They shame and guilt themselves and can’t bear to feel that pain so they are protecting themselves.

Taking accountability makes them feel vulnerable and they do not like that.

They want to stay in control of the situation.

They are use to playing the victim and are in a habit of blaming others for what they do.

They are afraid of confrontation.

They feel afraid of moral condemnation.

There could be a very good reason why someone learned to live by this standard.  They could have a lot of justifications for being where they are.  However, the damage that happens when this is continually passed on is so devastating to the future generations that the “why” doesn’t really matter.  I can hope they find their peace.  I can hope they learn to be more self-aware and less fearful.  But I cannot support it. I have to heal from it myself, and learn not to continue to spread this kind of damage.

Children learn by example, so when a parent acts like this, what does it teach them?

They learn that they don’t have to take responsibility for their own actions.

They learn that they can blame others.

They learn not to trust people and then they struggle to build healthy relationships themselves based on honesty and integrity.

They learn that taking accountability for their actions is something to fear and to avoid.

They get a blurred understanding of cause and effect.  This can lead to a struggle with decision making.

They might not develop the ability to confront issues head on and seek solutions, hindering their problem-solving abilities.

They can internalize what the parent is modeling which is feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness.

They can learn to avoid conflicts which will hinder their communication with others.

They can grow up in a state of confusion, frustration, and distress as they struggle to understand why this is happening.

They can develop “learned helplessness” and have a reduced motivation to take initiative.

They can learn they don’t want to be anything like their parents.  And when religion is thrown into this, they learn they don’t want anything to do with God either.

God isn’t doing this.  People are.  But when God is used as the weapon it’s hardly palatable to welcome God into your home.

And this is why, the “I’m not perfect” manipulation tactic is so evil.  Jesus himself called the Pharisees--hidden graves that people fall into unaware.  I think this was his way of calling out toxic behavior.   (Luke 11:44)

It would be better for a child to see their parents struggle with mistakes and correcting mistakes.  Kids need to see a parent model how to feel bad, learn better, make amends, set new goals, change their behavior, and struggle to keep their goals.  Teaching children how to deal with issues of not being perfect normalizes it and makes it a part of their lives.  Lip service to religion without demonstrating how to fully live it leads to religious manipulation and abuse.

Understanding and seeing religious manipulations for ourselves is first step in changing it in ourselves.  Changing it in ourselves is the next step in not passing it on.  Not passing it on is the next step in helping the future generations.

Nobody’s perfect. 

But we can keep self-correcting, keep fostering a growth mindset, keep learning, and gain a personal relationship with God and stand in the light of what we believe.