Manipulation #4: God Told Me To

My husband and I like to theme our years.  It gives a fun backdrop for learning and setting goals.  One year that we had teenagers we themed it the Zombie Apocalypse.  We worked on emergency preparedness and how to deal with people trying to “eat your brain” or “infect you” with bad ideas and/or toxic behaviors.

The idea that someone could be infected by ideas that corrupted them was interesting to us.  We spent the year looking at ways that happens and how to keep toxic ideas from spreading from others to ourselves. And what we decided was, the way to deal with infected individuals was the same ways we’d been seeing to fight off Zombies. You can either back away slowly and get the heck away from them, find the Resistance group and join them in protecting and defending against the hordes or be prepared to fight to the death, meaning you will have to give it your all in the moment you are confronted.  That was a good rule for us because when we ran into a problem we would say “is this the time to fight to the death?”   Most of the time, we found the best solution was to back away slowly and go help build the Resistance.

Dear Younger Self,

If anyone tells you “God has called me to(fill in the blank)” Back away slowly.

Love,

Your Older Self

In the family I grew up in prefacing ideas that may be criticized or unpopular with “I feel inspired to-” or “God wants me to-” was the perfect method for keeping people out of your business.  Back in the day, how was my mom suppose to disagree with moving the family to California, if her religious husband claimed God wanted them to?  Only after months of misery and health complications and my mom’s parents coming to her aid and ultimatum of, “I’m leaving” did my dad think maybe this wasn’t so good an idea after all.

While it’s certainly kind of you to be respectful of others and their right to pray and get their own inspiration from God, you need to watch for people using this against you.  A claim of inspiration can be used as a form of religious manipulation.

Using the phrase "God wants me to" as a justification for personal actions or decisions, can sometimes be a way for individuals to manipulate situations or avoid accountability. Here are a few ways people might use this phrase to get away with doing things they want:

Personal Desires: Someone might claim that "God wants me to" as a way to rationalize actions that align with their personal desires or preferences. This can be a way to legitimize their choices while deflecting criticism.

Moral High Ground: By invoking the idea that their actions are in line with God's will, people may position themselves on a moral high ground, trying to make it more difficult for others to question or challenge their behavior.

Avoiding Criticism: Using religious reasoning can discourage others from questioning motives or actions, as it can be seen as disrespectful to challenge someone's faith-based beliefs.

Guilt Tripping: People might use the phrase to manipulate emotions and guilt-trip others into complying with their wishes or decisions. They may imply that opposing their actions is tantamount to opposing God's will.

Shifting Responsibility: By claiming divine guidance, individuals can absolve themselves of responsibility for their decisions, attributing the outcome to a higher power rather than their own choices.

Seeking Approval: Some individuals might invoke religious authority to gain approval or acceptance from others who share similar beliefs, effectively creating a sense of unity around their actions.

Silencing Opposition: Using religious language can create an environment where questioning or disagreeing with the stated motive is seen as opposing God, making it harder for others to express differing viewpoints.

Justifying Harmful Actions: In extreme cases, individuals might manipulate religious beliefs to justify harmful or even illegal actions, arguing that they are acting on divine command.

It's important to be cautious and use critical thinking when encountering such claims. While many people genuinely base their actions on their religious beliefs, using religion as a shield to avoid accountability or manipulate others is something you should be able to identify to protect yourself.

Here are two quick ways to check for warning signs.  Engaging in open and respectful conversations about motivations and beliefs can help differentiate between sincere religious convictions and manipulative tactics.  If they will not have any discussion with you on the subject then count that as your first warning.

Another way to check is to look at why have they told YOU about their inspiration?

Are they trying to shut down any questions, discussions, or comments on what they are doing?  Are they seeking your approval?  What are their expectations of you with their revealing their inspiration?

In my family growing up, this “God wants me to” became a common refrain.  I saw it used for all sorts of reasons.  I was even told, “You can’t say they aren’t called by God to do this.”

Well, actually, I CAN say that.  I can say it all I want.  Everyone can judge for themselves.  If a person really feels called of God to do something then by all means they can do that.  They are the ones who will get the consequences of their decision.  But that does not mean in any way that I have to support, promote, or have any consequences from their decisions myself.  They can be inspired to do something and I can draw my boundaries.

Once again with religious manipulation, the use of God in this kind of interaction is designed to stop any kind of discussion and or take away other people’s choices.

What does this behavior in a family setting teach the children about who God is? When this kind of manipulation is used in a family, especially in a parent-child interaction, the confusion that results is that a child learns to distrust their own feelings.  If they are sensing for themselves that this isn’t a great idea, but they are told it’s “Of God” and they must accept it, this has now taken them a step further away from learning for themselves. They are taught they must obey someone in authority no matter how they feel about it.  This in the long run, cuts them off from having a personal relationship with God.

For most of my life I have supported people’s choices to claim “God called them to do (fill in the blank)”  It wasn’t my business I reasoned. They could make any choice they wanted I thought and it wouldn’t affect me.

But I have since changed my mind.

If you don’t look at the manipulation tactic that this is, you are more likely to be taken advantage by it.  You have to be alert and aware when people are using this tactic to better protect yourself and your own family. And what about the people around you?  What are you showing them if you support religious manipulation?  What if someone is trusting you and assumes, since you are standing in proximity of the religious manipulation, that you agree with it?  You have now led them to a trap.

In one church congregation my family was in there were some ladies that started their own secret religious group. They tried to invite my teenage son to join them.  The way they twisted religion to fit what they wanted was confusing to him. He felt like he should be able to trust older women who were members of his same religion but he had been taught to trust how he was feeling.  He knew he felt confused and uncertain.  He knew that this feeling was telling him something was wrong.  And so he ran and told us immediately.  I was so glad he knew how to ask himself about how he was feeling.

Here are some more questions to ask to help determine whether or not someone is genuinely trying to live their religious beliefs or if they are using it as a manipulation tactic. 

Are their actions consistent with the teachings and principles of their religious beliefs? Do their actions align with the core values of their faith?

Do they demonstrate a deep understanding of their religious beliefs, practices, and scriptures? Are they able to provide explanations for how their actions relate to their faith?

Are they respecting your personal boundaries and choices, or are they pushing you to conform to their perspective under the guise of religious beliefs?

Are they open and willing to discuss their actions and beliefs without becoming defensive or evasive?

Do their actions show respect for your beliefs and those of others, even if they differ from their own? Or do they show intolerance and attempt to impose their views on others?

Are they humble in discussing their beliefs and actions, or do they exhibit a sense of superiority or self-righteousness?

What are the potential motivations behind their actions? Are they primarily focused on helping others, building community, or fostering personal growth? Or do their actions seem driven by personal gain, control, or manipulation?

Do their actions align with the norms and consensus within their religious community, or do they seem to be acting in isolation from the broader context?

Have their actions been consistently aligned with their professed religious convictions over time, or does their behavior seem to change based on circumstances or personal gain?

How do they react when you ask probing questions about their beliefs and actions? Are they defensive or dismissive, or do they engage in respectful and thoughtful discussions?

Are their actions in line with the context and timing of their religious practices? Or do they seem to conveniently invoke religion only when it serves their purpose?

Are they willing to take responsibility for the consequences of their actions, regardless of whether they attribute them to religious motives?

I don’t believe that God is trying to manipulate us. That is what imperfect humans do.  Asking questions doesn’t mean a lack of faith.  I believe God is asking us to learn for ourselves.  Watching and learning from how other people behave is one of those ways to learn.  I can decide for myself whether or not someone’s behavior is aligned with my religious beliefs.  I get to decide how I will respond to their choices.

Will I give it my all to defend my boundaries or slowly back away and get some safe distance from it and proactively work on building up what I do believe in? 

I believe many people are living inspired lives but all I will ever see or know about their lives is the light I see them standing in.  Live your truths and be seen for who you are.  In the Zombie Apocalypse it’s easy to see who is infected with toxic behavior and who is not.  But even without that obvious marking, with a little bit of critical thinking skills, you can easily see for yourself and put in place good healthy boundaries.  And, you won’t even have to fight to the death to do it.