Religious Manipulation #2: But I Love You

My dad once told me that his father never said “I love you” to him.  He said it as if his father saying those words would have made all the difference in their relationship. I don’t think so.  I think if my dad would have heard those words attached to his father’s behavior, he would have just thought his dad was a liar.  You see, love is an action word.

We live in a world where the word love is thrown around so casually that it’s meaning has been diluted.  A person has to use context clues in order to understand what the person saying it means.

A boss might look at a report and say “I love it!”.  This may only be indicating a thank you for a job well done. 

“I love this dessert!” may be a fleeting feeling, only lasts until a person tastes the next dessert.

In a family setting a person saying “I love you” tends to mean a lot more.  However, it can also be used as a manipulation tactic.

We all crave being loved and we are taught what love is by our family. Unfortunately, human failing can corrupt what love looks like to a child and it’s up to us, as adults, to figure out what love really is.  If you were raised in a religious home then an incorrect belief about love also clouds your view of what God’s love is.

My brother once called me after a disagreement to say “You would be more loved if you would….” I stopped him right there.  I was not looking for love from the family I grew up in.  I gave that up a long time ago.  I learned that being outcasted by the family group was the punishment for disagreeing and that conditional love is what was used to keep family members in line.  Giving up my need for love from them was the most freeing thing I ever did in my life.

So here is what I wish my younger self knew about how love can be used against us-

When used strategically in conversations, saying “I love you” can assert dominance by implying that the speaker's opinion is superior or correct, while dismissing or invalidating the other person's perspective. 

Emotional Manipulation: By saying "I love you" in the context of a disagreement or argument, the speaker can be trying to evoke emotions in the other person. Love is an important and desired emotion, and using it in a conversation can create feelings of guilt, obligation, or vulnerability in the recipient. This emotional manipulation can make the other person more likely to give in to the speaker's viewpoint to avoid conflict or out of a desire to please the one expressing affection.  When people find out this works, no matter if they are doing it on purpose or not, they may reason that it is a useful way for them to deal with conflict and adopt it as part of the way they deal with what they find is unpleasant conversations.

Appeal to Emotion: When someone says "I love you" during a disagreement, they are appealing to the emotions of the other person. This can divert the conversation away from logic and rationality, making it harder for the recipient to express their point of view. The emotional appeal can hinder constructive discussions, ultimately leading to a one-sided conversation where the person expressing love feels like they hold the upper hand.  Ideally using both emotion and logic at the same time in a conversation is useful. Knowing you are having the conversation coming from the attitude of love encourages people to keep talking through their differences. However, when someone who is not feeling they are getting their point across with logic suddenly switches to an emotional stance you need to realize that is a red flag in the conversation. This is a way they have found that works for them as a way to manipulate the conversation.

Conversation Shutdown: Using "I love you" can act as a conversation shutdown mechanism. By uttering these words, the speaker might signal that the discussion is over or that further conversation is unnecessary. The other person might feel hesitant to continue their thoughts after hearing "I love you" as it can imply that any further disagreement could jeopardize the relationship or emotional bond.  A big clue that “I love you” is being used as a conversational shut down is when they say it over and over again, overtop of your words, refusing to let you speak and continue the conversation at all.

It's important to realize that using "I love you" as a manipulative tool in conversations is not a healthy or respectful way to interact with others. I wish I could go back and explain to my younger self that my frustration at being in these kinds of conversations was justified.

Communication should be based on

*mutual respect

*active listening

*willingness to understand differing perspectives

Genuine dialogue, especially among family members, allows for the exchange of ideas and the potential for personal growth and a deeper understanding of one another. When this is not there, a healthy relationship cannot exist. 

Before you just accept someone’s declaration of love you should figure out what their definition of love is.  They may not even realize themselves what their beliefs about love are. You need to look at the context clues.

*How do they express affection and care towards others?

*What are some of their favorite love stories or examples of love in movies, books, or real life? 

*How do they prioritize relationships and demonstrate commitment in their personal life?

*Do they believe in unconditional love, and if so, what does it mean to them?

*What actions or behaviors do they associate with love?

*How do they handle conflicts and challenges within their relationships?

*What role does communication play in their understanding of love?

*How do they view the balance between self-love and love for others?

*How do they define love's role in personal growth and development?

*How do they perceive love's connection to empathy and compassion?

*How does their understanding of love align with their religious or spiritual beliefs, if any?

Growing up and realizing that my desire to be loved needed to come from other sources than my family was the first step in mending incorrectly taught childhood beliefs.  Trying to gain love that was conditional and a constantly moving target was exhausting.  Figuring out that I could love and accept myself brought a balance into my life that I had never had before.

Then a religious teacher, Emily Belle Freeman, taught me that God’s love may have been taught to me incorrectly too.  Her view of God’s love changed the way I read the Bible. It changed the way I saw God completely.  I reexamined how God had been portrayed to me my whole life, from my dad and from religious leaders.  I started knocking down their idea that God was distant, stern, petty when his feelings were hurt, jealous if he wasn’t getting what he wanted, vindictive and passive aggressive if he were questioned, helping me only as a need to feel superior, and waiting for me to fail to use as proof he was right and I was wrong.

I put God back as a loyal friend and confidant, someone rooting for me to win. And that felt right and good. It made it even more unbearable for me to accept less than that.  I have to be honest; I was a little angry for being without that love for so many years because my parents never understood it themselves.  But now I am just sad for them.

I can draw boundaries and still say I love them.  I can draw them because I understand what I think they wished they could have taught me.

Love is an action word.

I will start by showing respect for myself by not letting people convince me love is something else.

And I will finally finish the sentence my brother started-

I will feel more loved if I would stop listening to people who aren’t sure what love is themselves.